Note from Kristen: During Pride Month, the WAM Team had in-depth conversations about the intersecting movements we are part of, both as individuals at WAM and as a company dedicated to supporting and embodying intersectional feminism. We spoke about what WAM’s accountability and desire to support those intersecting movements looked like, both during their ‘official months’ and throughout the year. One of the outcomes of those team conversations is the following blog, written and shared by WAM’s General Manager, Dori Parkman. Thank you so much to Dori for sharing her story.
Most of you know me as WAM’s General Manager. I’m also a married lesbian with a three-year-old and a second baby due in 2 months. Both of my children were conceived via Reciprocal IVF. This means that my wife’s eggs were used with donor sperm to create embryos. We transferred one embryo into my uterus in 2015 and I carried and gave birth to our child. We transferred a second embryo into my uterus late last year and are expecting this child in September.
When we originally thought to create our family this way many years ago, we felt like this was a beautiful way to go about this. But we also felt that it would be the safest way for us. If our children were biologically linked to one of us but the other one gave birth, how could anyone dispute that we were both considered a real mom to the children?
When our daughter was born, we spoke to a lawyer and to the state. We inquired if we needed to do a second parent adoption. Yes, it was recommended that we adopt, just to be safe. So which one of us needed to adopt? We were told both of us. Both? As if our child had NO legal parent?! Yes.
In my opinion, THIS is just a small part of why we still have Pride month.
But June, a.k.a. Pride month, is over for this year. The marches, parades, and parties are over and it’s back to reality. For the remaining 11 months of the year, let’s not forget the LGBTQ reality.
My reality is that in about 2 months, I will give birth to our second child. My reality is that, despite living in a progressive blue state, I will be forced to put my wife’s name next to the line for “father” on our child’s application for their birth certificate. Although I will cross out the word father in the application, the real certificate WILL come back saying “father.”
My wife and I will BOTH go to the court house to apply to adopt this child, just as we did for our first. We will need to apply for a waiver in the process. The waiver (if approved) will allow us to skip the step where we would need to publish an ad in the paper searching for “the father.” Our children do not have a father – they have a donor! If denied a waiver (unlikely but possible), this would be humiliating in a very public way. As part of the process, we will also request to skip the home evaluation visit. Again, if denied, how incredibly embarrassing to have to prove you should be allowed to be your child’s parent. Applying for these waivers is bad enough. But overall having to apply to adopt your own children cuts deep. Although we have a picture of our daughter with a judge smiling during the adoption (see at right), my wife and I both feel pain knowing that we had to do it at all. Protecting our family is worth the pain, but the pain is there.
My reality is that whenever we travel out of the state, we need to be very prepared. I am terrified of becoming one of those stories where the family has an emergency and tragedy follows when the group is not recognized as a family unit. I religiously pack everyone’s birth certificate, passports, adoption papers, and our marriage certificate every single time we travel. We may have to PROVE we are a family.
These are just some of the many reasons we march. This is why we have Pride. Because this is still the way things are for families like mine. In Massachusetts. In 2019. For all 12 months of the year.
– Dori Parkman